From waiting to knowing…

Ok so, I left off my last post at the start of my waiting game…

I have found that in the medical world life is all about hurry up an wait-  Oh, lets do a blood test; Oh lets do an ultrasound; Oh lets do a biopsy… and on and on it goes.  You never really know how to plan for the future because you never really know what the future looks like.  Now, I will give credit to the doctors because they don’t really know what the future looks like either and therefore don’t know how to tell you to plan for it.

I thought to myself, “Ok, I have at least 7 days to NOT think about this and NOT worry about it- WRONG!  No matter what you worry and think about it, and, I was a dumb ass and didn’t check my phone messages for a few days because I had the BIG number 7 in my head.

I had the biopsy done on Wednesday, October 2, 2013 and thought that I wouldn’t hear anything by at least the following Wednesday.  I saw I had a missed call on Monday but I thought the message was from a bill collector- And, Yes, I have bill collectors right now because I was avoiding some shit I couldn’t afford at the time- DON’T JUDGE!

The same thing happened on Tuesday- I got a phone call from a collector, didn’t check my voice-mail, and didn’t check to see if I had any other missed calls.  I finally decided to check my voice-mail to find 3 messages from my endocrinologist’s office saying that I needed to call them back ASAP.

I gave them a ring back and, of all things- Got their voice-mail!  Let the phone tag games begin!

Well, we finally got in touch and the nurse said to me “we need you to come in on Thursday.”  Now I knew that 2 out of the 4 options were gone- not enough cells and have a re-do and do a molecular test.  The only 2 options remaining were: Yes or No- cancer or not cancer.  That little tidbit did not register right off the bat, however.

I asked the nurse if I could come in on Friday instead (yes, I do have a life other than the threat of cancer- well, I at least I did at the time).  The nurse responded and said “No, you need to come in on Thursday.”  I said “ok”- what else was I going to say at that point?.

I pushed it all out of my mind the next day and plugged along like normal.

When I woke up the morning of “The Doctors” appointment I wanted nothing more than to… RUN!  If it were not for my boyfriend taking me to the appointment I might not have even gone- don’t judge me!  Some of you may be thinking “what a dumb ass!  Just go handle it!”  Well, you let me know when you are about to be faced with life altering news and let me know how you feel at that moment… actually don’t!  Know one knows how they are going to react or why.

Needless to say, I followed through and my boyfriend drove me all the way down to my appointment- 45 mins away.

The nurse led us back to the original exam room and asked me all of these stupid questions: have you changed any medication since we last saw you, any hair loss, weight gain or loss… what since the last time I saw you- A WEEK AGO! NO! Just get to the point!  I would like to start planning for my future now please!  I get why she had to ask me all of those questions but in reality I just wanted someone to come into the exam room and say either a big YES or NO… that was not going to happen.

When Dr. Wang came into the room I could tell he didn’t really want to look me in the face.  He sat down and asked me all of the same questions- which, of course, made me want to SCREAM: JUST TELL ME ALREADY!

He started going over the results of the biopsy and I remember him saying “so, your cells did not come back so good.”  They DIDN’T COME BACK SO GOOD- WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!  He went on to say “you have cancer.”  I what?  I have what?  I think we need to start this conversation over!  That is not how this meeting was supposed to go!  He was still talking but did I hear any of it- HELL NO!  The room started to close in on me and the thermostat, I swear, went up 10 degrees.  I pulled myself together and started to try and ask the “right” questions- which, I might add I had not let myself formulate before hand because that would be “negative thinking.”  He told me that the next step would to be to schedule an appointment with the referred surgeon.  He told me that if I had to pick any cancer to have that this would be the one I would pick- surgery, a little radiation pill, and a tiny little pill for the rest of my life.  I think they tell you that so you wont just FREAK OUT!  As you will see in my following posts that that is not really the case!  My life is forever changed!

I remember turning to my boyfriend saying “ok, can we please get out of here now?”  I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore and like the raise in temperature was suffocating me!  GET ME OUT OF HERE!

This is where you need to realize that… There is not a manual for handling this sort of news!

I was in so much shock that I sent out my mass text and said “well, it’s cancer.”  Looking back that does not come anywhere near what I was feeling!  I remember the day before finding out “the news” thinking that all I would want to do if it was bad news was crawl into bed and cry.  However, if you will remember from a previous post that I typically don’t cry.  So, when I found out I called one of my best friends and then I called my mom.

In times like this no one knows how to respond and I sure as hell didn’t know how to say- “I have CANCER.”  So, I just said it like it was, no big deal.  My poor mother was just as affected as I was- IN SHOCK!  How else do you respond?  People all over the world everyday have biopsy’s that come back just fine- what would make mine any different?

We went home and moved on with the day like nothing happened.  My boyfriend, who is part owner in a high-end speaker company, set out to deliver a set of speakers to a new shop that was going to be unveiling them at a wine and cheese event in a few days, and I was off that day so I just laid in bed watching TV- not something that I do either might I add.  I did, however, call my 8 months pregnant sister (whom I might add I had not filled in on anything because… she was 8 months pregnant!) and told her the news.  I teared up a bit but held it together.  She was in complete shock!

The next week was one of the hardest weeks of my life- I had to tell everyone I love that I, yes me, has CANCER.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw a big flashing sign that read “I HAVE CANCER- HOW THE F**K DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN?”

Going from maybe nothing to the dreaded BIOPSY…

Ok, where did I leave off?  Oh yea, I left Dr. Wang’s office thinking “Great! he’s not worried and he may not even want to do a biopsy!  I have nothing to worry about!”

I walked out of the little exam room and went over to schedule a possible biopsy- just in case.

My biopsy was scheduled for 3 weeks out- October 2, 2013.  I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about.  The following Wednesday we had our annual health insurance meeting and AFLAC was there like always.  The AFLAC rep went over all kinds of crap that I usually don’t pay any attention to- but, when she went over the short term disability I thought “hhhmm, I should look into that.”  I made an appointment with the rep for later that day.

During my appointment she informed me that because I had already had an ultrasound that the short term disability would not cover this situation- unless I waited a whole year to do anything else.  In my mind I thought well I don’t have cancer but I should sign up anyway.

If you don’t have any short term disability now- SIGN UP FOR IT!  Life is unpredictable!  And if you are like me- live in boyfriend, no savings, and already used my vacation up- then I recommend  you work on at least a savings account!

In the meantime, Dr. Wang did not call to cancel my biopsy.  My boyfriend had to work the day of the procedure, so, his sister-in-law took me to the appointment.

This is what I knew about how the biopsy would go down before I got there: they take 5 very small needles and put them into my thyroid to get samples of my nodule.  They only use 2 out of the 5 samples right away just in case option 3 occurs. I had 4 options of results- only one of them good.

1) They didn’t get enough cells and have to do it again.  They would tell me this over the phone and schedule another biopsy.

2) It’s not cancer (which they would not tell me over the phone). I would find this out via appointment after at least 7 days.

3) It doesn’t show regular cancer cells but it doesn’t show regular thyroid cells either.  When this happens they take those extra 3 samples and send them to a lab where they do a molecular test on them to see if there are any deformities on the cellular level. This test adds 2 more weeks to the process.

4) Cancer- same thing as option 2: wont tell me over the phone and I find out in about 7 days.

The Biopsy:

So, I was anxious about having this done so Dr. Wang gave me an Rx to relax me the day of the procedure- which I am SOOO glad he did!

This is how the actual biopsy went down-

I showed up with my future sister-in-law but they would not let her come back with me.  The nurse led me back to a little room and put some topical numbing stuff on my throat.  I laid down on the table and Dr. Wang came in and said “the first one is the worst because you don’t know what to expect.  After that you will realize that it’s no big deal and relax.”  Ok, let me just say that that is a load of crap!

I laid there while the nurse got the ultrasound machine ready and the Dr. got the GIANT, albeit skinny, needles ready.  Now keep in mind that the ONLY numbing I received was topical!  He poked around and I thought “oh man this is ok!”  I said “are we done?” His response- “No, that was just the pen marking where I am going to go in.”  Ok, I felt like a dumb ass!  I was thinking ok 5 needles in and out.  He puts something in the base of my throat that hurt a just bit more than a little at first.  He’s pulling something in and out and telling the nurse to take ultrasound pictures.  It feels like he’s scrapping and jostling around in there for about 15 minutes- which it was actually 15 minutes.  When he pulls that out I thought maybe he inserted something and then put the needles through that- they only use one inserted needle for getting blood right.  When he’s finished with that one I looked up and said “great now we’re done right?”  The nurse looked at me and said “Oh no, honey- that was only the first one.”  THE FIRST ONE!  I have to do this 4 more times!!!  I took a deep breath and focused on a small spot in the ceiling.  Now something for you all to consider- I was not numb for long and only on the top of my skin, when they had the needles in my throat I couldn’t swallow or talk and it was hard to breathe.  Here comes the second needle- Oh Shit!  I am no longer numb!  Another 15 minutes of what I would consider torture and Dr. Wang looks at me and says “now that wasn’t so bad right?”  I looked back up at him and said “I am no longer numb and it hurts.  Also, I did not expect you to be moving around so much in there.”  He looked at me like ‘what did you expect’ and said “well I have to break up the cells.”  I laid there in pain for an hour while he jabbed 5 needles in my throat, scraping each one up and down and in and out!  Word of advice: DEMAND a numbing shot!

I left there wanting nothing more than to cry!  I went back to my future sister-in-laws house and relaxed until the drugs wore off.  Then I headed to a good friends house to have a drink!

Now, this is where I got really stupid!

I left my friends house and headed home- stopping off to get a very large bottle of wine.  When I got home I had a couple glasses of wine and (what else was I going to do- watch a movie?) started Googling.  I continued to drink and Google until I got the bright idea in my head- “hey, I already had the biopsy done.  Now that is over I can go ahead and Google that!”  BAD, BAD, BAD!  Idea!  I now call this droogling!  Drunk Googling!  We have all done it- don’t lie!

My poor boyfriend walked in to me sitting at the dining room table, on YouTube, watching videos about thyroid cancer!  I had gotten myself to full blown, hysterical, snot running down my face, crying!  Now, if you know me you know that I actually don’t cry very often and when I do I prefer it to be by myself.  Needless to say, my boyfriend did not know what to do.  He held me until I calmed down- like the amazing boyfriend that he is.

Now it was time to wait…

How I got from nothing to maybe nothing…

So, the original endocrinologist said it was nothing to worry about right?  Most women have a nodule on their thyroid and live there entire lives never knowing it- the likeliness of the nodule actually being cancer is only 10%!  Not to mention I had no symptoms- just a little ultrasound picture.  

Throughout the next seven years I pretty much didn’t want to think about it.  My regular doctor would order lab tests to check my hormones and I’d be to afraid to follow through and get it done.  If I ignored it it would just go away right? 

September 2012- My anxiety spiked and I had to go on a higher dose of medication.  I tried that for several months but it just wasn’t working.  So, in July of 2013 I went to see my doctor about it once again.  She upped my dosage and ordered me another dreaded thyroid test.

Now this time around I was 28 and that little bastard nodule had really been on my mind- so, I decided to finally follow through and get it done.

I went back for my follow up in September to see how my medication was doing- it was helping but not great.  I asked her about my thyroid results and she told me the levels were just fine.  My response was, of course, “fine like I’m toeing the line of not fine, or, fine as in I am freakin perfect?”  She informed me that my levels were perfect!  YAY!  What a load off… right?

The next thing she said was “Why don’t we go ahead and just do another ultrasound?  Your levels are great BUT (oh no! not a BUT!  I just got great news… doesn’t that mean everything is perfect?) I felt a size variation in your thyroid between this visit and the last visit- it was actually larger your last appointment.”

My ultrasound was scheduled for the following morning- which, of course, was a Friday and the Friday before Labor Day weekend.

My amazing boyfriend took me this time and held my hand the whole time- Never go alone to any possibly scary doctors appointment!  The technician was super nice and cheerful- until… she went and talked to the radiologist and came back in the room.  I knew something was wrong because her demeanor had completely changed and she no longer was chipper but instead wore this somber look on her face.  I knew something was up.  She said “ok I’m going to need you to go ahead and lay back down so I can get some more pictures.”  I did as she said and didn’t ask any questions- they can’t answer any questions I wanted to ask anyway.

We left there and put it behind us.  Monday was Labor Day remember- so, I had to wait until Tuesday to hear anything.  I woke up at 8 am- made my coffee and sat outside drinking it thinking my doctors office doesn’t open until 9am so there is no way I am going to hear anything yet.  I was wrong!

I walked inside and just checked my phone like I always do- don’t lie, you randomly check your phone too for no apparent reason.  Well, this time it paid off.  The nurse at my doctors office had called me 3 times before 7:30am!!!  I listened to her messages and they got more and more urgent.  She said to call them back immediately and that they were referring me to an endocrinologist because there was nothing further they could do about this situation.  I just about shit!  I thought I F***ing knew it!

I hung up my voice-mail as my boyfriend was coming down the stairs.  He took one look at my face and said “what’s going on?  Are you ok?” Now you need to understand that I was terrified but I didn’t want to scare him, so, I held it together and filled him in on what was going on.  He left for work and it being Tuesday I still had an hour before I needed to leave.  So, what did I do the second he left the house?  I fell completely and utterly apart!  I called my mom and blubbered to her over the phone- my poor mom!

I hung up the phone, called my co-worker and told her I was going to be a bit late, and made another cup of coffee.  This was the start of the UNKNOWN… I feel like I should insert a DUN, DUN, DUN after that to add affect. 

I went to work and got through the day.  I called the doctors office and got their referral but the referred doctors receptionist was a complete IDIOT!  So, the next day I called a client of mine who had had thyroid cancer 10 years ago and asked her who her doctor was.  She told me his name and then said “but he retired 2 days ago.”  2 DAYS AGO!  You have to freaking be kidding me!!!!  I got over that and she gave me the name of the guy she was going to start seeing.  I thanked her and hung up the phone- immediately calling the new endocrinologist.

The new office was awesome!  They even got me scheduled for the first thing the next morning!  9am here we come!

My boyfriend held my hand as we sat in silence waiting for my new doctor to come in.  Dr Wang walked in and said “ok, now tell me how much you know about the thyroid.”  I put up my hand forming a 0 to signify that I knew less about my thyroid than a toddler does.  He rolled his eyes a little and I said “hey I didn’t want to scare myself”- and if you know me you know that when I am stressed or scared or worried my horrible, sarcastic, tactless, sense of humor comes out full force!  With that being said I feel certain I made several uncalled for comments to help ease my mind.  Dr. Wang laughed a bit and proceeded to draw me a picture of the thyroid while describing how every part of it works and what they look for. Now keep in mind that this was first thing in the morning the day after I scheduled the appointment- so, he hadn’t even had time to get the ultrasound pictures which means that he had not actually seen my growing nodule and thyroid yet.

What did Dr. Wang think about my possibility of having cancer was you ask?  He said pretty much the same thing as the first Dr.:

I’m young, most women have a nodule and never know it, my nodule had grown but a very very very small amount, my hormone levels are great, no symptoms, no now factors of anything that they think causes this cancer (high levels of radiation exposure etc…)

There were just so many reasons to think I had gotten scared over nothing- to the point that DR. Wang looked at me and said “I very well may get the ultrasound pictures and call you and ‘say it’s too small to worry about so lets just keep an eye on it’.”  Well, this blog is titled “MY FIGHT WITH THYROID CANCER” so, if you don’t know it by now- I HAVE CANCER! 

Let the Battle Begin…

Hello All!

I am starting this blog in the hopes that I can help at least one person understand either their own personal struggle with thyroid cancer or help someone understand what a loved one is going through.  Please keep in mind- Everyone’s struggle is different!

How My Battle Began…

This all actually started 7 years ago!  Way back in 2006 when I had an enlarged, stubborn, little lymph node- that refused to obey me wishes and “Just be normal SIZE!”

I was 21 and had just moved 1600 miles away from home to reside in a place of dreary, cloud covered skies, and no family- Washington State… What was I thinking?  Oh, yea! I wasn’t!

Well that pissy little lymph node actually saved my life.  I didn’t know it then and I wouldn’t know it for 7 more years- but without out that I may have never found out I had cancer!

In 2006 I went to see the doc over said lymph node.  My doctor didn’t think it was an issue but I pressed and pressed and pressed until he sent me for an ultrasound.

The Ultrasound… I did something no one should ever do- I went to get my ultrasound done… alone.  When it is your own body and you are scared and alone you don’t make the most rational decisions.  The tech glazed over my thyroid while looking for “the lymph node”.  He said “hhmmm, I’ll be right back”.  I thought “OH SHIT- what does this mean?”  He did not come back alone but instead was accompanied by the radiologist on site.  They started jabbering on to each other and pointing to the screen- I of course was diligently trying to figure out what they were looking at to avail.

The radiologist turned to me and said “Now, sometimes this happens. It’s not something we expect but when it does we have to address it.”  My mind just kept thinking “OH SHIT! OH SHIT!”  He went on about how my doctor would probably give me something radioactive… blah blah blah… cancer… blah blah blah.

I left there terrified!  I made the appointment to see the endocrinologist they referred me to.  In the meantime I went back to my regular doctor who had me get a blood test to check my thyroid.

I went to my appointment and to this day I don’t even remember the doctors name I went to.  I just remember him treating me like I had no reason to even be there and that it was ridiculous to even think this could be cancer.  I found out that my blood test results came back perfectly normal.  He gave me the whole story about- “90%of these are not cancer… blah blah blah…your blood work is fine… blah blah blah… your too young… blah blah blah.”

I left there thinking great this is nothing!  I thought about it here and there but really just put it on the back burner for the next seven years- out of sight out of mind… right!