Ok so, I left off my last post at the start of my waiting game…
I have found that in the medical world life is all about hurry up an wait- Oh, lets do a blood test; Oh lets do an ultrasound; Oh lets do a biopsy… and on and on it goes. You never really know how to plan for the future because you never really know what the future looks like. Now, I will give credit to the doctors because they don’t really know what the future looks like either and therefore don’t know how to tell you to plan for it.
I thought to myself, “Ok, I have at least 7 days to NOT think about this and NOT worry about it- WRONG! No matter what you worry and think about it, and, I was a dumb ass and didn’t check my phone messages for a few days because I had the BIG number 7 in my head.
I had the biopsy done on Wednesday, October 2, 2013 and thought that I wouldn’t hear anything by at least the following Wednesday. I saw I had a missed call on Monday but I thought the message was from a bill collector- And, Yes, I have bill collectors right now because I was avoiding some shit I couldn’t afford at the time- DON’T JUDGE!
The same thing happened on Tuesday- I got a phone call from a collector, didn’t check my voice-mail, and didn’t check to see if I had any other missed calls. I finally decided to check my voice-mail to find 3 messages from my endocrinologist’s office saying that I needed to call them back ASAP.
I gave them a ring back and, of all things- Got their voice-mail! Let the phone tag games begin!
Well, we finally got in touch and the nurse said to me “we need you to come in on Thursday.” Now I knew that 2 out of the 4 options were gone- not enough cells and have a re-do and do a molecular test. The only 2 options remaining were: Yes or No- cancer or not cancer. That little tidbit did not register right off the bat, however.
I asked the nurse if I could come in on Friday instead (yes, I do have a life other than the threat of cancer- well, I at least I did at the time). The nurse responded and said “No, you need to come in on Thursday.” I said “ok”- what else was I going to say at that point?.
I pushed it all out of my mind the next day and plugged along like normal.
When I woke up the morning of “The Doctors” appointment I wanted nothing more than to… RUN! If it were not for my boyfriend taking me to the appointment I might not have even gone- don’t judge me! Some of you may be thinking “what a dumb ass! Just go handle it!” Well, you let me know when you are about to be faced with life altering news and let me know how you feel at that moment… actually don’t! Know one knows how they are going to react or why.
Needless to say, I followed through and my boyfriend drove me all the way down to my appointment- 45 mins away.
The nurse led us back to the original exam room and asked me all of these stupid questions: have you changed any medication since we last saw you, any hair loss, weight gain or loss… what since the last time I saw you- A WEEK AGO! NO! Just get to the point! I would like to start planning for my future now please! I get why she had to ask me all of those questions but in reality I just wanted someone to come into the exam room and say either a big YES or NO… that was not going to happen.
When Dr. Wang came into the room I could tell he didn’t really want to look me in the face. He sat down and asked me all of the same questions- which, of course, made me want to SCREAM: JUST TELL ME ALREADY!
He started going over the results of the biopsy and I remember him saying “so, your cells did not come back so good.” They DIDN’T COME BACK SO GOOD- WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN! He went on to say “you have cancer.” I what? I have what? I think we need to start this conversation over! That is not how this meeting was supposed to go! He was still talking but did I hear any of it- HELL NO! The room started to close in on me and the thermostat, I swear, went up 10 degrees. I pulled myself together and started to try and ask the “right” questions- which, I might add I had not let myself formulate before hand because that would be “negative thinking.” He told me that the next step would to be to schedule an appointment with the referred surgeon. He told me that if I had to pick any cancer to have that this would be the one I would pick- surgery, a little radiation pill, and a tiny little pill for the rest of my life. I think they tell you that so you wont just FREAK OUT! As you will see in my following posts that that is not really the case! My life is forever changed!
I remember turning to my boyfriend saying “ok, can we please get out of here now?” I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore and like the raise in temperature was suffocating me! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
This is where you need to realize that… There is not a manual for handling this sort of news!
I was in so much shock that I sent out my mass text and said “well, it’s cancer.” Looking back that does not come anywhere near what I was feeling! I remember the day before finding out “the news” thinking that all I would want to do if it was bad news was crawl into bed and cry. However, if you will remember from a previous post that I typically don’t cry. So, when I found out I called one of my best friends and then I called my mom.
In times like this no one knows how to respond and I sure as hell didn’t know how to say- “I have CANCER.” So, I just said it like it was, no big deal. My poor mother was just as affected as I was- IN SHOCK! How else do you respond? People all over the world everyday have biopsy’s that come back just fine- what would make mine any different?
We went home and moved on with the day like nothing happened. My boyfriend, who is part owner in a high-end speaker company, set out to deliver a set of speakers to a new shop that was going to be unveiling them at a wine and cheese event in a few days, and I was off that day so I just laid in bed watching TV- not something that I do either might I add. I did, however, call my 8 months pregnant sister (whom I might add I had not filled in on anything because… she was 8 months pregnant!) and told her the news. I teared up a bit but held it together. She was in complete shock!
The next week was one of the hardest weeks of my life- I had to tell everyone I love that I, yes me, has CANCER. Every time I closed my eyes I saw a big flashing sign that read “I HAVE CANCER- HOW THE F**K DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN?”
My Fight with thyroid cancer 